Poem: This

(Published poems!)

Reminder triggers are a concern on Tod Leben.

This poem- This- is found in [Poem a Day May 2020]


Triggers: depression; loss; loneliness;


it’s not that I dislike the sound
of happiness or sadness or crowds
I’m struggling to find my heart
within those crazy words
not even when I understand
and feel as if they connect
do I have the words to express

I cannot find a one
to really bring out my song
the feeling in my heart
as if I can sing along
my loneliness extends to
where the music and the beat
turns everyone in their seat
except for me
I’m just crying over

music has me rapping
it has me dancing
it has me feeling
I get caught just like
everyone else beside me
yet nothing
comes to thought
as I revel in these songs
I’m finding it all hopeless

will you call me crazy names
or thinking this more a game
and everything I try to be
and say in all my dignity
I’m lost and losing out
that even music won’t help out
will you help me figure out
what can this be called now

this feeling is insane
it’s caught me up again
I’m losing out my mind
and again I feel as if its time
you are walking forward
seeking for some word
of what I’m looking for
and yet it’s all inane

this feeling
I’m so tired

this feeling
it’s all full

this feeling
of insanity
I’m losing before I stood

don’t look at it as if I’ve ended
I’ve never even started out
you can’t believe that this heart has broken
and yet the cracks shine brighter now
I’m seeking something
to stand in my way
to tell me I’m not alone
and hear someone say


yet every single moment now
I’m loss without a stake
and you are sitting pretty
by the only lake

I never heard your voice before
and I doubt I’ll hear it anymore
my heart breaks in two
just by thinking I’m alone without you
this is nothing like
those dreams and novels I adore
and you are staring out at the abyss
crying for something more

this is nothing
this is everything

this is what you’re looking for
this is right
and this is wrong
and this is the only score

will we find that perfect number
that takes us down that path
can I find the angle that leads me to your track
I can’t seem to find that pathway
in this troubled world
I’m alone
just searching
for the music of my soul

this body is waiting for you
something in the dark
your hands are searching out I wonder
as if blindness has your heart
will you be my only forgiveness
a note I’ve left before
this isn’t the only number I have
this is all I have left in store

will you be my last resistance
will you be my friend
will you stand up to the distance
looking for the end

this world has been falling lately
and I’ve lost my mind
it’s not the first time I’ve wandered
through the endless night
this can’t be the last survivor
we have more time I swear
don’t give up hope when nothings missing
yet I can’t see to find the key

this time may be different
I can’t believe I asked

this world has not lost its spark
you just haven’t found it


I can’t find this…


I can’t reach this…


we must feel this

[Poetry Archive] [Poem a Day May 2020]

Poem a Day May 2020 by Tod Leben cover

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